ar

i wont deny that my mental age doesn’t suit my physical age. i’ve always felt that there was no way i was becoming 20. it was far too old for what i felt like, 16-17.

(but i’m not the person i was at 16, 17. definitely not.)

did i stop maturing mentally when i entered poly? possibly. i couldn’t get along with my class and soon distanced myself from them. i didn’t, and still don’t understand why i couldn’t make friends with them. why did that happen? why then did i become a subject of ridicule?

my appearance, i think, doesn’t help. perhaps i should start with that. if i **really** can’t get a job, i could always concentrate on improving my body. 8 months is plenty of time for results to show. as with anything, it’s only always been a matter of motivation.

something to prove that i’ve been doing something in the spare time that i have.

even just having to look at the form makes me feel disgusting and weak and ashamed why am i not fucking dead

THANKS FOR BLAMING ME ITS NOT LIKE THIS IS THE SECOND GODDAMN TIME IVE RECEIVED THE MOTION AND EMBARRASSED MYSELF AND LET DOWN MY TEACHERS

what the EVER LOVING FUCK IS EVEN THE POINT DO YOU *REALISTICIALLY THINK* IM GOING TO FUCKING SUCCEED WITH THIS YET A FUCKING AGAIN

oh my god im looking at a list of degree criterias from like SIM and i honestly cant see any study options without retaking a course at poly or it costs way too much or why did i screw up why WHY WHY

i wished i lived in the us so that i could just buy a gun and blow my brains out instead i have to devise all sorts of stupid bullshit like jumping to my death or arranging the purchase of helium tanks

then again if i lived in the us i wont be in this situation sigh

i imagine that if that if i did carry out my plan of killing myself, it won’t be just hurling myself from a window or gassing myself.

what i’d want to do is to go to somewhere like alaska or the scandinavian countries, in the thick of winter. i’d like to go there and see great mountains and frozen lakes. i’d like to see a land once alive, now covered in sleep.

i’d lay down and fall asleep in the snow. slowly, but surely, consciousness leaves me, as does my life. i’d sleep, and i’d die.

a life without meaning is a life not worth living at all.

i’ll keep on holding my head up high, but it’s so fucking painful

without school i honestly think there isnt much meaning in me living at this point

mode may not have gone to college but thats only bc she’s stranded all by herself abandoned by her family without any support whatsoever. if she could i’d bet she’d take college in an instant.

i do have that support. i do have that luxury. but i still failed so hard.

i think deep down past all my posturing about my beliefs i honestly do believe in reincarnation. its the best form of afterlife, because you could always improve yourself. you could always be better than what you are.

i dont want to wait 60, 70 years to die. i dont want to spend all that time as an empty human being. just cut me off.

but when i think about my mom and dad and my bro and how devastated they’d be if i killed myself i just hesitate

but what other road is there? its harder than anything to find a new school to study at if you’ve been kicked out from one.

honestly, evaluating my options, fulltime could be a bit of a stretch? night classes are probably more viable. i dont like the fact that its only 3 times a week but what can you do. its for those who work.

i think back to that one chick in em2. i think back to that one girl who quit in secondary school. what about them? what did they do? what did they choose?

i really want to know. what lies before me? what can i do?

right now, there’s nothing more in the world that i want than an answer to those questions.